Senja nan memboringkan // Perantau

Terkenang lagu lama.. terngiang-ngiang nasyid ini di telinga... lantas kunyanyikan semula... dalam kebosanan menunggu meeting yang tak tentu lagi pukul berapa.

Perantau musafir perjuangan

Tabahkanlah hatimu

Berjuang dirantau orang

Sedih pilunya engkau yang tahu

Ingatan ayah dan ibu

Janganlah menghiris hatimu

Kerinduan desa nan permai

Janganlah melemahkan semangat juangmu

Diwaktu ujian badai terus melanda

Engkau tetap gigih berjuang

Menbenarkan sabda junjungan

Terus memburu menuntut janji

pastilah Islam gemilang lagi

Tapi pejuang kembara perjuangan

Ujian bukan batu penghalang

Kerana itulah syarat dalam berjuang

Oh pejuang....

Dimana pun ada ketenangan

Dimana pun ada kebahagiaan

Bila insan kenal TUHAN

Kasih sayang dan pembelaan Nya

Bagi insan yang menyerahkan
jiwa dan raga

Ayah dan ibu

Kepada Allah.....

Lumut Scenery

Pangkor Trip 071
Originally uploaded by steelburn.

This is Lumut jetty, after my arrival from Pangkor Island last Sunday. Click the picture for more photos.

Biarku Menjadi Lilin

Satu lagu yang terngiang-ngiang secara tiba-tiba pagi tadi...

Biarku Menjadi Lilin - Pelangi

Biarku menjadi lilin
Memberikan cahaya
Terangi sekeliling dengan diri terbakar
Tak siapa yang sedar
Disaat kegelapan rela aku berkorban
Demi satu harapan

Biar masa berlari
Dan kau terus mendaki
Aku tenang disini dengan sabar menanti
Tanpa dendam dan benci
Andainya kau terjatuh terluka dan tersungkur
Kurawat biar sembuh

Aku tak kan bertanya
Apakah nanti balasannya
Setiap pengorbanan setiap pemberian
Demi satu ikatan

Keikhlasan dihati
Walaupun kau ragui
Pada suatu masa dan suatu ketika
Akan ketara jua

Biarku menjadi lilin
Memberikan cahaya
Saat kau kesepian saat kau kegelapan
Kurela menerangkan

Aku senang begini dapat terus berbakti
Dengan cara sendiri

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Apakah signifikannya lagu ini?
Mungkin sedikit sebanyak ada kaitannya dengan diri aku sendiri.

This morning, I got an SMS... "ala if its all bout me. dun trst me anymore. kan takde masalah. ok la chowsin... "

Easy la kot. It's very easy to get rid of people. Very easy.

I was hoping that when I feel down there's someone I can talk to. I was hoping that when I feel down, I can share with someone even though it's just a little thought. I used to tell myself, I can't expect receiving anything by giving. By holding to that belief, I don't expect anything from anyone.

Oppss.. I don't expect anything much from anyone.

But I'm a human after all.
There're times when I need someone to talk to.
There're times when I need someone I can share things with.
There're times when I expect things to go the way I want 'em to be.

Too much expectation. I'm done for.

I Shed Tears

This is a story of how my tears unintentionally flowed out even though I was not crying.

Honest to this blog, I tend to shed tears watching/reading stories about repentance and remorse, and struggles of strengthening one's faith.

It happened again a few days back, when there was a drama shown on broadcast (can't remember which TV station tho). “Kelahiran Yang Teristimewa” was the title.
There is almost nothing else which can make me burst into tears other than when I'm thinking about the same stuff mentioned above. I had an experience of losing a relative... of someone close... but I didn't cry. I remember wiping my tears when I am just alone on my own, watching movies of the same theme. I remember wiping letting my tears flow down my cheeks when I was thinking about guilt and my faults, asking for His forgiveness.

No. I don't usually wake up early in the morning and do some 'taubat' prayers. I just do any time that I'm alone, when I recall back my misdeeds. I am human being after all.



Now about the stuff I wrote in the last two blog entries...

I was in the mood of self-reevaluation (reassessing myself). The process took me a few days I couldn't get it out of my head unless I put the stuff somewhere else. It's not meant to be forgotten. It's meant to be my reminder later on. I may soon forget should I not place a copy of my thought somewhere else. That's how human I am.
And the copy is stored somewhere on the Net.
Tech-dependent.
That's me.

Welcome to the city of rocks and glasses

In Malay:
Selamat datang adik
ini kota sesat
dunia batu kaca
bisa sesat dan keliru

jalan ini sibuk
siapa pun takkan berhenti
mobil silih berganti
sekalipun kau melintasi
ada asap hitam memedih

...

This song titled "Dunia Batu Kaca", from the 90s, a nasyid, correctly portrays the big city of KL and the surrounding satellite cities. This is a place where nobody cares what you do. What they care is their own lives as depicted in "jalan ini sibuk, siapa pun takkan berhenti". As long as one doesn't disturb the flow of their lives, they don't bother. That's why there're so many (so-called) Muslims staying together, males and females, without the bond of marriage, and nobody bothers.

"They're not interfering with my life, so let 'em be."

This is the concept that's polluting most people's mindset here. It hurts. It's polluting me as well. Help!

Naivity

Naivity :

misplaced belief in an ability or outcome, often resulting from an epistemological deficiency or behavioural impedence during childhood

Source: Urban Dictionary

Don't take my words for it. Naivity doesn't really exist in actual dictionary. I coined up the word and accidentally found another instance of the word somewhere on the net. (Kudos to Urban Dictionary)

What is it about anyway?

I am actually thinking about how naive I actually am. I neglected to see lots of things around me as how it should be seen. I want to see them as what I want them to be. My world is a utopian haven, whereas the real world is a hundred and eighty degrees to the other side. Silly me.

Is it because I was raised up around a relatively good circle of people? My mother was very particular about how I behave to other people. I was even a "Pelajar Contoh" once. (Duh...) I had my mid-secondary school in a prolific Islamic College. I worked for Muslim Scholar Association (PUM) while waiting for my SPM result. I joined (tho not officially) Muslim Student Association (PKPIM) when I was an undergrad. I registered for an Muslim Youth Association (ABIM) membership after that. I have relatively good devout housemates for years. Up till now, I have somewhat good and dependable circle of friends around me.

Thanks to those stuff. I neglected a somewhat big part of current modern life. Life is not actually as nice.. or acceptable as it may seem to me. Drifted away from those circle of people, I'm seeing life from another side of the story. It is like another different book altogether to me.

Darn... I'm in pain.
My heart aches and my soul cringes.
I am not a holy man nor I wish to be a devil.
I am imperfect so I try hard to better myself.
Minus a little goodness, I am nobody...
but Lord, please don't let me go astray

I taught myself that no matter what I have to be honest with myself
yet, I am the person that has lied the most...
and the victim is myself.
I thought that other people should be honest with me
yet, I didn't realize that when the are...
I wasn't ready to know the truth.

My faith is now what keeps my integrity.
Praise God, for tho I am forgetful he has many ways to remind me.
Let not my heart broken asunder.
I'll be good and I'll work the wonder.



Guys... I didn't write a poem up there. I just assembled words and phrases into something legible, at least to myself. I have to shout it out somehow.

I'm actually seeing a part of reality that I missed before...
People are not always what I first perceive.
People are not always as what I perceived them.
First impression doesn't count.

I'm having a feeling like there's a thin layer of glass enveloping my cornea. I have this feeling for quite some time now. Something is crying to get out of me. I have to vomit it out. Shout it out. Puke it out. Replace the words with better terms. I don't have any better word for it. It's too disgusting yet I have to bear with it. Lord, give me strength.

This is the city. This is KL.

Hell!